TRENTON - During a surprise appearance at a recent city council meeting, Mayor Douglas Palmer announced that his administration’s lethargic approach to education is over. “The city will no longer coddle those students who are more interested in being disruptive, than in learning,” said Palmer. “After fifteen years of decline, I promise my administration will take action. I am involved now!”
Palmer also announced that he would be hiring retired Lieutenant Marquis Santicelli of Newark as a special consultant. Santicelli will evaluate and guide the city in creating a strategy to retake the city’s schools.
“Lieutenant Santicelli will bring with him a special knowledge of urban schools and the problems that children face everyday in the classrooms,” said Palmer. “His entire career has focused on identifying and correcting problems in the Newark school system, and his presence will be an asset to the city.”
Documents obtained by the K9News show that Santicelli retired last year as a Lieutenant assigned to the Charles Manson Middle School in Newark. However, Santicelli was not a member of the Newark Police Department. In fact Santicelli was never a police officer anywhere. American Automobile Association (AAA) documents indicate that in 2001 Santicelli, then a sixth grader, was made a member of the School Safety Patrol. In 2002, at age 12, Santicelli was promoted to Sergeant and assigned to some of the toughest halls in Manson middle school. In 2003, Santicelli was promoted to Lieutenant and assumed a mostly administrative role.
Contrary to Mayor Palmer’s statement, Santicelli did not retire from the Newark School District; he merely graduated.
On Monday, the mayor formally introduced Santicelli to Board of Education members at their weekly meeting. At the conclusion of the meeting, a photographer attempted to take Santicelli’s photo. Santicelli, in a purely juvenile display of vulgar emotion, insisted that his photo not be taken.
Later in the evening Santicelli explained that while an officer in Newark he was responsible for a lot of kids getting detention. “I’m afraid they will think I’m just some punk ass civilian now and they will come looking for me,” Santicelli told reporters.

TRENTON – These days it seems that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. This past week the K9News received an unsigned press release, allegedly issued by Trenton’s Latin King gang. The one page notice stated that the recent arrests of their leadership on murder charges would not interrupt their activities in the city.
Intent on showing they mean business, the writers announced that the group is actively pursuing a candidate from Newark to head their group. “There was no better place to turn than the crime ridden city of Newark,” said the press release.
“This is ominous news for the city,” said one local gang expert. “Newark had Joe Santiago and Barry Colicelli; it had a Metro unit and a ‘Safer Cities Initiative’ plan; it had Comstat and NEST; it even had lower crime rates yet murder rates rose; and of course it had street gangs that prospered. Ironically Trenton now has all the elements that Newark had during the gang growth-years,” explained the expert. “Trenton is just redeploying failed strategies.”
The last sentence of the press release signaled their intent: “Like the feenix [sic], the ALKN will rise from the ashes.”

be Reclassified
TRENTON - Thirteen cases of alleged character assassination have been re-examined by law enforcement officials, and determined to be unfounded.
The cases involve several local political figures and a handful of self-described people-of-importance.
Autopsies performed on eleven of the victims revealed that their characters were already long dead at the time of the alleged assassinations. During one post mortem character examination officials were surprised by the total absence of any character what so ever.
The last case involves a person identified in court documents as "City Official #1." According to officers, there was a lien holder on this person’s character. Sources told the K9News that Mr. Louis Cypher, address unknown, was listed as the lien holder.
In each case it was determined that character death resulted from the cumulative effects of multiple self-inflicted injuries sustained during years of abuse.

Case Status: Unfounded
Reclassified: Character Suicide