Director Santiago: Crime stats in city dropping

TRENTON – Police Director Santiago of the Trenton Police Department has pledged sweeping changes in the way the Trenton Police address crime in the city. K9News-Revival learned today that Santiago is promising the changes in light of the recent reports of Trenton’s ascension to the number 4 slot on the 2003 “Most Dangerous Cities” list.
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K9News back in print, 14 year hiatus is over. TRENTON – The City’s shortest lived, but long missed periodical has been revived. Last printed in 1989, the K9News was a one-page newsletter that poked fun at various members of the Trenton Police Department. However, the K9News-Revival will not be quite as whimsical or good-natured and will take both a satirical, and serious look at politics in Trenton.
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To Kiss, or Not to Kiss
CAMDEN (AP) – An unnamed Trenton Police officer was admitted to the Spinal Trauma Unit at Cooper Medical Center for injuries sustained while on duty yesterday at Police Headquarters. Witnesses to the incident indicated that the injuries were the result of repetitive bending and standing movements, caused by confusion over a recently issued order, directing officers to stand when Director Santiago, Abe or any Captain enters a room. The injured officer could not decide if it was best bend over and kiss the Director’s ass or to comply with the order and stand and became stuck in a “loop”.
    A spokesman for OSHA told the K9News-Revival that the agency has reviewed the circumstances that led to this unfortunate incident and have recommended that either the policy of “posterior osculation” (ass kissing) or the order directing officers to stand, be halted to avoid future injuries. A high ranking Police official told the K9News-Revival that it is unlikely that the unwritten policy of posterior osculation will be stopped and that the department is considering building an elevated platform for the command staff, so officers who wish, can comply with the order and the unwritten policy. “Posterior osculation is a career path choice and essential to operations,” the source said.

A Non-Crime Reported in City - Almost
TRENTON - A City man was found dead today with two bullet wounds in his chest. Detectives initially treated the death as a murder, however, the Police Director’s office later revised the status of the incident stating, “It has been learned that the victim was running toward the bullets at the time of penetration. Therefore, the death is being ruled an ‘Assisted Suicide’.” Mayor Palmer told the K9News-Revival that he has the utmost confidence in Director Santiago’s judgment. “Although he has never been a detective I know he has a well founded familiarity with Columbo, Kojak and Murder She Wrote”, the mayor said.

Dysfunction is, as dysfunction does. How Dys'ed is Santiago?
Trenton Police Director Santiago has given public notice that on his arrival in Trenton, he found the police department to be dysfunctional. But does Director Santiago possess the requisite knowledge to discern between functional and dysfunctional? The K9News-Revival believes Santiago is uniquely qualified to recognize dysfunction.
FULL STORY  » [page 3]