TRENTON – Director Joseph Santiago of the Trenton Police Department has pledged sweeping changes in the way the Trenton Police address crime in the city. K9News-Revival learned today that Santiago is promising the changes in light of the recent reports of Trenton’s ascension to the number 4 slot on the 2003 “Most Dangerous Cities” list. To this end, Director Santiago has ordered that all graphs showing crime trends be of “Line Graph” type and be “posted conspicuously in public places in HQ, in such a way as to ensure the X- and Y axis are reversed, mirrored, flipped, rotated and/or inverted so as to present the data in a favorable manner."
    Sensing the bewilderment of a white-shirt-wearing sergeant, Director Santiago mounted the first graph on a wall in HQ. When he was finished, Director Santiago smiled smugly, saying, “See?” It took a few seconds, but Deputy Director Abe Hemsey, the first to notice, finally exclaimed, “I’ll be damned, the numbers are dropping!” Hemsey was seen shaking Santiago’s hand in wonderment, saying, “You actually reduced crime for the past five years. We can learn so much from you.”
    Len Cipriano, President of PBA 11 (a staunch critic of Mayor Palmer, ever since Hizzoner successfully replaced the Police Chief with an appointed Police Director, through a public referendum), was completely exacerbated when told about the graphs. Cipriano complained that this was just another example of how Santiago and

Palmer (who through the public referendum won the right to appoint the Police Director) like to play with numbers and that if the graphs were mounted correctly, they would paint an accurate view of crime in Trenton.
    Mayor Palmer told reporters it is time that the PBA accept defeat and stop whining about losing the election. “Every time the crime in this city drops, the PBA has an argument. They need to grow up and start serving the residents as they are paid to do. I am convinced by Director Santiago’s graph, and [the PBA] would be too, if they just grew up,” said an angry Palmer.
    In a brief moment of joviality, Hizzoner displayed one of the graphs incorrectly and realized that crime was going sideways. “This will never do,” Palmer joked, and with the aid of Director Santiago, the graph was turned the correct way and crime once again was on the decline in Trenton.
    When reporters asked why the graph didn’t have any numbers or labels, Director Santiago stated it was just an oversight and offered to fax updated graphs to their editors. The reporters present all declined the offer, stating they would take Hizzoner at his word.
 
(Left) Graph depicting Trenton’s climb to the 4th most dangerous city position . (Right) This graph proves Hemsey to be correct, Santiago has actually managed to reduce crime for the 5 years preceding his arrival, a truly amazing and undisputable fact.