 by C.I. Pucker
Don’t let the brightly colored cocktails he likes fool you. Joe Santiago is a cross between Harvey Keitel in Taxi Driver and Gollum in The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Almost every night Joe faces down bad apples in his wimpified apple version of a Cosmopolitan. But his flamboyant hubris does not stop with his practiced pinky-in-the-air drinking style. His Armani suits, crisp suspenders, trademark pinky-ring and tough talking may might speak “wise-guy” but people familiar with him know he has no wisdom at all.
“He is two of the most interesting people I know,” said Gus a local bartender. “One minute he is calm and delusional and then, Bam!, like a light switch was just thrown he becomes excited and maniacal. He’s like Gollum squared.”
It is because of his rumored frequent personality shifts that many detractors have compared Santiago to Gollum from The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Gollum is the once human character that was transformed by the ring of power into a hideous beast; and whose dual personality performance thrilled audiences.
Gus, the bartender, related an incident that occurred several weeks ago during which a loud disturbance was heard from the men’s room after Santiago went inside. “It was like all hell was breaking loose in there. We didn’t know what to do. I started to call 911 when he came out of the men’s room. I asked him what happened in there and he just looked at me with his cold 'evil-Gollum' eyes and told me to mind my own business.”
Gus stated that nobody else ever came out of the men’s room and that when he checked inside, all he found was the mirror broken. "I think he punched his reflection," added Gus. "I can just imagine him talking about his 'precious' power."
Four-term Trenton Mayor, Doug Palmer, who will most likely seek a fifth term, whose political star is rising on the national level, who through a hard-fought public referendum won the right to appoint the Police Director, and who is perfect in every way (as attested to by this writer's illegitimate cousin L.A. Parker at the Trentonian), became irritated at the comparison of Joe to Gollum.
“The bartender is obviously an off-duty police officer who is still upset by the referendum,” Palmer said. “It’s time they [the PBA] give up. Santiago is here to stay. I’ve said it. He [Joe] has said, it and City Council will say it when I tell them to. Joe is one tough cop. I know, because he told me so.”
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The tough-cop moniker is something that has followed Santiago around his entire career. In 1976, while on patrol in Newark, Joe responded to a robbery in progress at a massage parlor. On a hunch, he was able to locate the hidden back door. After guessing the secret knock, he was let in and succeeded in surprising the naked bandit who was armed only with a twisted towel that was cocked and ready to be snapped. Joe's report of the incident said, “I ordered to him to drop his towel and spread ’em. And when doubted my authority I shot him.”
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Trenton Police Director Joseph Santiago has been compared to actors Harvey Keitel (below) and Gollum (left). |
“The massage parlor incident was a milestone in Joe’s career,” an anonymous Newark Police Department retiree said. “From that point on he started to over-react when his authority was questioned or challenged.” According to the source, Joe turned to manipulation through intimidation to attain his goals. “I bet you didn’t know his nick-name up here was ‘Sport’ did you?” According to the retired Newark officer, Joe was nicknamed “Sport” after Harvey Keitel’s character “Sport Matthew” in Taxi Driver. Sport Matthew was a tough talking, quick to fly off the handle, New York City street pimp who used intimidation to manipulate and control his girls.
Joe Santiago isn’t interested in what his detractors say, or that the majority of the police officers in the city view him with contempt. “I will get my way. It’s my ball; it’s my game. I don’t have to play well with others, but they do have to play with me. If I don’t like how they play, then I will send them to the penalty box. It’s my game!” said Santiago, his eyes glazed over with passion and the smell of fresh apples on his breath.
One Chambersburg resident, who only identified himself as Sal, recently offered his support for Santiago. “He’s seems like an OK guy who’s always working. His city car is parked outside the bar a lot of nights for hours on end. Sometimes it’s even parked legally.” At the end of this past summer Sal was
an eyewitness to Santiago’s crime-fighting skills.  “It was about 2:15 in the morning and I saw a scuffle under the street light up the street. I saw Santiago trying to arrest this pretty
girl by his car. Suddenly the girl grabbed his head and tried to bite his tongue off. Next thing I know Santiago grabbed her head and they fell across the hood of his car. The entire time he was frisking her. I guess he handcuffed her and put he in the back seat, because they drove away a little while later and I couldn't see her head in the car,” Sal related. "It's truly wonderful to see a man of his prestige working so diligently on our streets. He truly has passion for his work."
One anonymous Trenton officer disagreed with Sal's assessment, "Some say he [Joe] engages only in bi-polar pimp-management tactics, but I don't see it. In fact I see no tactics at all. He's the best 'pusher' we ever had, but I think it's time we get a leader."
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