K9News-Revival
Credo Quia Absurdum Est
NEWS, SATIRE AND COMMENTARY WITH A BITE
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Jacko coming to Trenton

    Michael Jackson, the crowned king of Pop, will be coming to Trenton this spring. Soon, city residents will have the honor of embracing Jackson as one of their own. But where will he live? Hiltonia? Glen Afton? The answer may surprise you.

FULL STORY » [page 3]
Huh

Hemsey confirms belief

If you think the director is Satan he is still your boss; he is my boss, and I am declaring that I will burn in hell with him. - Abe Hemsey, Deputy Director

    Hemsey actually made that statement at a Comstat meeting. The K9News-Revival could not agree more with Hemsey, and we join the members of the Trenton Police Department in wishing him, and Joe Santiago, a speedy descension to their next assignment.

OPINION

   Opinion & Editorial

   Music

   Fun and Games

LEXICON
  • argumentum ad ignorantiam - (Latin)
  • : Arguing from ignorance
  • scrofulous (SKROF-yuh-luhs) - (Adj.)
  • : Morally corrupt
  • manque (mang-KAY) - (Adjective)
  • : Having failed, missed, or fallen short, especially because of circumstances or a defect of character.
  • duplicitous (doo-plisi-ts) - (Adjective)
  • : Given to or marked by deliberate deceptiveness in behavior or speech.

    FEATURE

    City Council approves renovations   &   artwork

    by C.I. Pucker

    TRENTON Last night City Council approved a $1.8 million plan to have council chambers renovated. The funding package includes money for the restoration of the mural, depicting Trentons industrial age, at the back of council chambers. Also, several portraits that have already been commissioned will be hung on the walls. One segment of the plan, however, received much consternation from the residents who addressed council before the matter was voted on.
    FULL STORY » [page 2]

    City 2003 DWI Arrests Plummet

    TRENTON - The number of traffic tickets issued by the Trenton Police plummeted in the last half of 2003. Compared to the same six-month period in 2002, drivers are 50% less likely to get a traffic ticket in the city. The statistics for driving while intoxicated (DWI) in Trenton are even more alarming. Sources inside the police department point to the dissolution of the Traffic Unit as the cause for the recent trends.
    FULL STORY » [page 4]

    Summons program having effect

    TRENTON - The Police Department is seeing positive results from their latest attempt to modify how motorists think in the city. In January officers started issuing summons to motorists who left their autos running and unattended. Would-be car thieves view these autos, left running to warm-up during the cold months, as easy pickings.
        A department spokesman told the K9News-Revival that no driver has received more than one ticket for the violation. Conduct modification is a large part of this program and one ticket seems to be enough for responsible drivers to learn by, the spokesman stated.
        In yet another example of tickets modifying conduct, the K9News-Revival has learned that Director Santiago has received only one ticket this year for parking his work car illegally. Last year Santiago received two tickets for parking his work car illegally. Thus far, the director has succeeded in lowering his illegal parking violations by 50% this year.
        It has been purported that Santiago lowered the crime rate in Newark by 50% during his tenure there. The K9News-Revival is investigating to see if the 50% drop was a result of conduct modification on the part of Santiago.

    IN THE NEWS

    Crime Stats 102

    The latest victims of crime have yet to realize the full extent of their victimization. Businesses will soon be asked to treat some crimes against them as dirty little secrets that are best not revealed.
    FULL STORY » [page 5]

    Clown v. Clown

    Some clowns are sad, and some clowns are funny. But some clowns are so sad that they can't help but be funny. In the spirit of Mad Magazine's "Spy Vs. Spy", we present Clown Vs. Clown.
    CONTINUED » [page 5]

    Join us as we take a look at Mayor Palmer's record: Past and present.
    FULL STORY » [page 3]

    Latex Louie reports: Thieves slip past Condom Theft Unit. Nobody is surprised.
    FULL STORY » [page 5]