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Package Causes Elation

TRENTON — The police station was evacuated for over six hours Tuesday after a package addressed to the Director's office was heard ticking. Bomb-squad officers later determined that the package was harmless and allowed workers back into the building. The ticking sound heard by employees was apparently caused by "vibrating action" inside the box.
Witnesses report that the tense drama of opening the package was suddenly shattered by laughs from the bomb-squad. "They started laughing and then took off their helmets and gloves. Everybody started laughing when the officers held up the contents of the box," said one secretary.
Though not dangerous, the contents of the parcel will likely prove explosive for city administration. FULL STORY » [page 3]

Is crime really falling?
With the promise of some startling year-to-date crime statistics from Director Santiago, the K9News decided to do a survey of crime in the city. We spoke to two very diverse, yet distinct, groups of residents in the city and the results may surprise you.
FULL STORY » [page 2]

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Dissolute - (Adjective)

:	lacking moral restraint; marked by indulgence in things (as in drink or promiscuous sex) deemed vices

Rake - (Noun)

:	a dissolute person

Libertine - (Noun)

:	a person who is unrestrained by morality; one leading a dissolute life

Licentious - (Adjective)

:	Lacking moral discipline or ignoring legal restraint, especially in sexual conduct.

Why is Santiago Shocked by Psychic's Prediction?

by C.I. Pucker

YOCUM, KY — A self-proclaimed psychic from the blue grass town of Yocum, Kentucky is causing quite a stir around the Trenton Police Department. This past Sunday, Betty Lou McGuire claims to have had a very detailed vision of Trenton's future. Witnesses told the K9News that Director Santiago, after learning of McGuire's vision, unleashed a string of expletives that would cause a longshoreman to blush.
"I've had enough of this sh&%," Santiago barked, while slamming his fist on the table. "She [McGuire] is obviously conspiring with the union. And it's only a handful of cops involved. If I was that bad, they would all hate me," reasoned Santiago. FULL STORY » [page 2]

Business group sold on Santiago, saved from making 2nd mistake

TRENTON — The work of a smooth talking confidence man was interrupted by a retired Trenton Police detective this past Monday. The suspect was within moments of pulling-off his scam when a retired Trenton Detective interceded on behalf of the would-be victims. The detective called the police and held the suspect until their arrival.
According to police, Henry Gondorff of Stirling, NJ began to form the scheme to defraud the Metropolitan Trenton African American Chamber of Commerce after reading a newspaper article ("Chamber Backs Santiago's Record", The Times of Trenton, 7-14-04). Based on the article, Gondorff believed the MTAACC to be a gullible mark, that was ripe for the picking. CONTINUED » [page 3]

Same old song and dance? Not!

Once again Joe Santiago finds himself at the center of a lawsuit. Once again the charges are baseless. Once again there is a conspiracy against Santiago. And sadly, once again the lawsuit strengthens Santiago's resolve to remain as Police Director.
It's the same old Santiago flow chart and no deviation has yet been needed. However in the most recent case there is a twist. Santiago reportedly made overtures about taking a polygraph test. But why now? What about the other lawsuits? Doesn't the public deserve all the truth Joe?
CONTINUED » [page 4]

An Officer He Couldn't Refuse?

Sarge, a member of the city's mounted unit, reacts angrily about rumors that he slept with a high-ranking police official in order to get into the unit. "Man, you ever see the Godfather? I ain't saying nothing," Sarge told the K9News.

Do 'The Dougie'

A new dance fad is sweeping through Trenton. "The Dougie," inspired by Trenton Mayor Doug Palmer and perfected by City Council, seems to be a perfect match for local politicians.

Appletinis are a Girl's Best Friend

Woman credits appletinis for her 2 a.m. popularity.