K9News-Revival
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NEWS, SATIRE AND COMMENTARY WITH A BITE
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Mayor set to announce three new 'key' positions

The K9News learned today that Mayor Palmer plans to formally announce the creation of three new positions at city hall. All of the appointees will be working directly for the mayor's office.
According to a press release, "These new positions will not only make the city more efficient, but residents will also think they are safer and better informed as a result of these new positions."

  • Barry Colicelli- The first position is no surprise and is more a matter of formality than announcement. This will be the consulting position of the Gang Liaison for the city. As already announced, former Newark Police Captain Barry Colicelli will be awarded the $85,000 a year consulting position.

  • Joe Isuzu- The mayor will also be announcing the creation of a new consulting position, Chief of Public Information. Joe Isuzu has already been named to the $120,000 position. A source in city hall admitted that Mayor Palmer is not happy with the information that the public is being told and believes Mr. Isuzu is the person to correct the problem. Isuzu first gained fame in the 1980s when he appeared in the Isuzu car company commercials as the persistent, yet lovable liar. “The public will get the same old lies, only now they come from a likable guy,” said one city hall source.

  • Marion Barry or Rush Limbaugh- The final position will come as a shock to many, and a relief to many more. As part of a major policy shift, the mayor will announce the hiring of the city’s first Drug Czar. A written statement from the Mayor’s office said, “For many months Director Santiago has stressed the role that drugs play in every facet of crime. I am confident in the Director’s opinion and have decided to hire somebody to address the issue.” The statement also said, “This person is not being hired to fix the problem. Instead they will fix the strategy to deal with the problem.” According to city hall insiders, both Marion Barry and Rush Limbaugh are being seriously considered for the $130,000 consulting position.

Three  Injured  During Patriot's   Week   Celebration

Three people were injured this past Wednesday during an impromptu Patriot’s Week celebration at Trenton Central High School according Joe Isuzu, the newly hired Chief of Public Information. Isuzu, speaking for Mayor Douglas Palmer classified the incident as “an unfortunate accident,” citing a clerical error in scheduling as the cause. As a result three people received minor abrasions.
Isuzu downplayed witness accounts that members of the bloods gang, dressed in red, were responsible and that the victims were shot. “Three “A” students, products of the Trenton School system, decided to conduct a reenactment of the Battle of Trenton. They merely wore red because they were the British,” Isuzu told reporters. “They fired blanks from their muskets and people panicked is all."
When asked why so many police were on the scene Isuzu simply replied, “History buffs.”
Isuzu stressed how fortunate the victims and witnesses were, “They came to a basketball game, and a reenactment broke out. This is better than hockey.”

Sweeping   transfers to gut city's   Vice   Enforcement   Unit

According to several sources within the police department, six members of the city’s Vice Enforcement Unit will be transferred out of the unit this Friday. The transfers are the result of a mandatory rotation edict issued by Director Santiago.
As a result of the transfers the most senior member of the vice unit will have only two years of vice experience. The lack of experiences extends to supervision as well. On January 2, of this year a lieutenant and sergeant, neither of whom has vice experience, were transferred into the unit.
Department officials, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told the K9News that the transfers are the latest decision to handcuff the vice unit. In May, the Vice Enforcement Unit was ordered to limit investigations to NEST areas of the city only. The decision caused the vice unit to

conduct just one search warrant during the summer, which has historically seen the most search warrants conducted.
Department sources also indicated that the mission of the vice unit will change under the new command.
“As of now, the emphasis is going to shift to street level dealers,” said one officer. “The new focus of the unit will be the ‘gateway’ streets of the city. The other neighborhoods will suffer.”
The officer defined gateway streets as the high traffic routes used by visitors and commuters.
Department officials acknowledge that with the emphasis placed on street level dealing, that vice experience is no longer needed for the vice unit. “They won’t be doing vice work. They’re really going to be a proactive unit,” said one official.

 When   It  Comes   to   Ethics,
 Officers   Over-achieving

Director Santiago has set out to establish the ethical standard by which the department will function. It is ironic that the man, who has come under fire so often, is the same man to try to establish standards.
The question is, hypothetically at this time: Can a man with flawed ethics establish standards that are not flawed by his own mores? Also, is such a man capable of identifying persons with higher ethical standards than he possesses?
On January 2, Santiago made several transfers involving the Internal Affairs Bureau. Based on some of the transfers many believe that officers have been over-achieving ethically. Now officers are asking (jokingly), if they will have to lower their standards so as to fit into the new parameters.
These issues, and more, will be explored in the future.